@Shen_the_Bird

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

You Might Also Like

@TheToddWilliams

[Jerusalem]

MARY: They’ve taken Jesus from his tomb

SIMON: Maybe they gave him Upjesus

MARY: What’s Upjesus?

JESUS {risen}: Not much, w—

@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

@WilliamAder

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@markleggett

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@huntigula

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?