welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
That’s easy for you to say
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”