welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

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MARY: They’ve taken Jesus from his tomb

SIMON: Maybe they gave him Upjesus

MARY: What’s Upjesus?

JESUS {risen}: Not much, w—


Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.


I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.


Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”


If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.


You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.


MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?


BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.


her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?