“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.