Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.