Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Goodnight 🐶
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor