King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Can you do it?’
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*