Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!
Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
“Oh, this is just great”
her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda