Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
whenever i wake up before my alarm
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.