@KyleMcDowell86

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

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@JannaKillHimNik

Me *fawning over 4yo*: you’re cuter than your Dad!

Husband *muttering*: yeah but I’m taller.

@themorris23

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

@daddydoubts

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

@MikeCanRant

*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”

@DitzMcGeee

[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]

@cwhudson

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there