Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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damn he’s good
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours