Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao