If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My favorite farside!!
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty