Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.

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And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.


Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.


EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him


Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”


Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.


I need to chat with my coworker’s husband.. If he was bangin’ her properly, we wouldn’t have to deal with her bad attitude..


*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out


Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.