Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.

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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon


I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.


Cashier: “Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?”


*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*


I haven’t talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of ’06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.


*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?


“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”


Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.


Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.


If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.