any yall looking to wake up with some organs missing
Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
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And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.
No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I need to chat with my coworker’s husband.. If he was bangin’ her properly, we wouldn’t have to deal with her bad attitude..
Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.