Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
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Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
How times have changed.