I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”