@cray_at_home_ma

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

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@ThaJawn

My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit

@realfunghi

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

@daddydoubts

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@goodballs

[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”