Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.


I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?


[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there


The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.


Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.


KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you.

WOMAN: sure


KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.


“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account