What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.
Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you.
ME: OH GOD NO!
KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account