welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
How times have changed.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet