welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
i think we should see other cousins
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague