If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You Might Also Like
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
The answer is tired.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
When you accidentally type “me” instead of “my” I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.