Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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me, too, girl. me, too.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
New menu item
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.