@lecalabara

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

You Might Also Like

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

@joeheenan

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@TravLeBlanc

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

@coketruck76

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

@junejuly12

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@GoodZiIIa

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

@ocourtneyno

When you accidentally type “me” instead of “my” I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.