“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Cinematography is my passion
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.