Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
You Might Also Like
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
do u think theres a butter planet?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*