Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google “Fatal Engine Error:38” & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.