Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Traveler’s camo
Expect the unexporcupine.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums