@HomeWithPeanut

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

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@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@egg_dog

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

@mommajessiec

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

@juliussharpe

Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.

@mydanimarie

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

@cm_rutvik

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google “Fatal Engine Error:38” & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks

@PinkCamoTO

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

@freefanaddict

I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.