Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.