Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.