Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
#ProTip
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.