Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees