Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
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Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.