@Playing_Dad

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

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@leftistthot420

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

@urbanfriendden

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

@OhYeahILied

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

@JamesRonaldOK

Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK:

@_elvishpresley_

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@RandomRamblr

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

@BillPelicanBros

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

@copymama

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

@bridger_w

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

@IamEveryDayPpl

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*