video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
You Might Also Like
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over
Eastbourne in the UK:
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*