Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.