@joeljeffrey

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

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@sixfootcandy

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

@SentenceReduced

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

@OctopusCaveman

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

@aka_fatman

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

@CrankyPappy

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

@tigersgoroooar

we joke about the end of the world so much i don’t even think we’ll recognize a full civilizational collapse until it’s like hunger games level and even then everyone left in america will find a way to shitpost

@FunnyJokeBook

Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*

@urmumsausername

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.