Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

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*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?


It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.


Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile


I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.


Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.


On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.


Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.


All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.


I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.