Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.