If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I only say stupid things when I talk.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!