@PajamaStew

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

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@CulturedRuffian

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

@SteveKoehler22

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

@Emma_HumbleBea

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

@chuuew

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

@QwertyJones3

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

@TheBoydP

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

@DickScurvy

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.