My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
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What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..
But there are holes in your arguments.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.