WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
You Might Also Like
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.