welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice

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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.


God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*


The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.


Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.


Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.


People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals


Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.


Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.


Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid


“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.