welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I love it all
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons: