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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
How all things should be taught/explained.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
kids play hide and seek like
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.