Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age