@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

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@treydayway

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

@QwertyJones3

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

@FatherWithTwins

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

@GingerHotDish

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

@AmericanGent69

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

@rationalists

Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.

@TheAndrewNadeau

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

@RunOldMan

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbour’s dog wants you to know that bicycles are the devil’s tools or at least that’s the best I could discern his message.

@fricken_jess

Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit – how Game of Thrones started, probably.