Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.