Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
#Caturday
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
sry
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Cha-ching is my safe word
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.