@JustTashie

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

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@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@moiragallaga

The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.

@markydoodoo

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

@murrman5

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

@themorris23

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

@tornebrook

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.