Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

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OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.


The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.


The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.


can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”


To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.


ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough


When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.


I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.


I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.