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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes