me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*