I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
You Might Also Like
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.