My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*