@CruisinSoozan

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

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@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

@AndyJokedAgain

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

@BabouDali

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

@KimmyMonte

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

@daemonic3

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

@missrobotnik

The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”

@SteveSuckington

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.