Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
yall want some gasoline milk
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.