Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
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Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food