Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
You Might Also Like
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Never be a pizza!
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse