Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.