Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu