@portmanteauface

Welcome to your 40s, if random back pain was money you could get Jeff Bezos to mow your lawn

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@aystickz

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

@stockejock

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

@QwertyJones3

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

@BatBatshitcrazy

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

@decentbirthday

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

@GlennWool

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

@Cpin42

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out “Mr. Bean”

@jjhartinger

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

@thatdutchperson

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself