Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Get in loser we’re going crying
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business