@CrunkDriver

Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself

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@RamblingMachine

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

@TheAndrewNadeau

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

@drinksmcgee

Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu

@Gupton68

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

@Marlebean

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

@MommaUnfiltered

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

@gabydunn

You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”

@NaomiSeu

I walked almost all the way home before remembering that I’d driven to work, if you want to know how I’ve been walking those 10,000 steps everyday.

@transaParent

I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.

Your move Apple.