Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.
Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself
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DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Her: So how did you get this scar?
*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu
Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”
I walked almost all the way home before remembering that I’d driven to work, if you want to know how I’ve been walking those 10,000 steps everyday.
I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.
Your move Apple.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.