@CrunkDriver
@RamblingMachine
Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.
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@RamblingMachine
@TheAndrewNadeau
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
@drinksmcgee
Her: So how did you get this scar?
*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu
Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu
@Gupton68
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
@Marlebean
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
@MommaUnfiltered
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
@gabydunn
You: “Nice glasses.”
Me: “Thanks. They’d look better on your nightstand.”
@NaomiSeu
I walked almost all the way home before remembering that I’d driven to work, if you want to know how I’ve been walking those 10,000 steps everyday.
@transaParent
I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.
Your move Apple.
@RidiculousSheri
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.