Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*