Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.


Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.

Oh shit…


[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.


When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.


My 8 year old doesn’t want to be cast as Zazu in his ‘Lion King’ school play cuz he recently played Iago in ‘Aladdin’ and fears being typecast as birds.


I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.


“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor


[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]


[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”