Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!