Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.