Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
You Might Also Like
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Become a minion. Get that bread.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.